Take a Ride on the Reading Railroad August 3, 2006

What favorite books from your childhood do you plan to introduce to your children? That’s what those Crazy Hip Blog Mamas want to know, and I do in fact have an answer. I’ve been thinking of this answer since the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Technically, I should say since the day after I found I was pregnant, because the day I found out I was pregnant was given over to a hysterical break down of hormonal proportions, followed by a cheeseburger. But, ah, the next day, when I thought to myself, I get to have a baby—a life to nurture, to raise, to love, and *yippity-skippity* to read to!

I looked at my bookshelves of all the books I’ve read and want to read, of children’s books I’ve been carting around forever and a day–the Beatrix Potter collection, the Roald Dahl books, the Dr. Seuss books, Alice in Wonderland, Shel Silverstein, every variety of myth, legend, and fairy tale you can imagine, but oh, nothing tops how much I look forward to sharing The Chronicles of Narnia with my kids—in the order that they were written and published, I might add, not this chronological order BS that they’ve been publishing them in since the 90s. I heard C.S. Lewis himself wrote a letter wherein he stated that he didn’t intend all the books when he started them, and agreed that they should be read in chronological order. It is one of my goals in life to find this letter and DESTROY IT.

“I will break you.”

So, yes, the Chronicles of Narnia, all seven of them, starting with The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. And after we’re done reading each book, we will watch ALL the movie versions — the most recent film, the cartoon, the BBC miniseries, yeah, I’ve got them all. And while we watch these entertaining works of cinema and television, we will be eating food from the world of Narnia. How will we do this, you ask? Why, with the help of my Narnia Cookbook–

“Yes, this is my actual photograph of my actual book.”

The Narnia Cookbook is a rare collector’s book, and mine is in perfect condition—perfect for my kids to wreck, that is. I bought it on eBay for a price not worth fessing up to, but let’s just say it’s way less than the amount my uncle shelled out for an original printing of Alice in Wonderland.

This fascinating cookbook has page upon page of Narnian delicacies (which are, coincidentally, very similar in style and taste to the menu at my local British pub). The cookbook includes lovely illustrations, along with quoted passages from the various Chronicles that show where and when said food is eaten.

Oh, what joys I will have with my children as we make… hmm, Porridge. Huh. What’s next? Bacon, eggs, and mushrooms. Okay, sounds exotic. Anything else? Everyday White Bread. I see. Seems that the Narnians weren’t too into the breakfast meals.

What do we have for lunch? Pigeon Pie. Interesting. They provide the recipe for use with Cornish game hens, but according to the commentary, wild wood pigeons are made into pies in rural England and Ireland.
From The Silver Chair, “Sir, be pleased to take another breast of pigeon, I entreat you.” More like mistreat you! EEEEEEWWWWW!!!!! While we’re at it, why don’t we add a side of sewer rat? And sugar coated bugs for dessert?

Just a spoonful of sugar helps the mantises go down.

Moving on. A section for afternoon tea? Whatever. I don’t do that. Guess that means I’ll miss out on the hot sardines on toast. What say you for dinner? Free your adolescent mind to wander with glee at the prospective jokes of this meal’s name: Cock-a-leekie Soup. Yeah. There’s also stewed eel. Mmmm, rubbery. Another favorite, Chicken Breasts Masquerading as Snipe. I’m sure it’s every chicken’s secret desire to be a snipe:

Pigeons want me, and chickens want to BE me.

There are plenty of dessert recipes to choose from, but I am interested in only one. Turkish Delight. When I was in college, my friend and I were very excited to discover a tin of Turkish Delight at the fabulous Mona’s in New Orleans. He too was a big Narnia fan. We always imagined it to be only the most amazing taste experience ever, and well, surprise surprise, it SUCKED. It was sticky and tar-like and not-at-all flavorful. I’d have been willing to forsake it for some pigeon pie. Time passes on, though, and I’ve decided to give Turkish Delight a second chance. Maybe, like the difference between homemade Italian food and Chef Boyardee, it’s all about the freshness, so I plan to make my own Turkish Delight. If it’s still gross, I can always fall back on some cock-a-leekie soup (I know, I’m so immature. If only there had been a recipe for spotted dick).

I love my Narnia Cookbook. At least all the food in it, though slightly boring, is edible. Could you imagine if they came out with a Middle Earth Cookbook? I suspect the menu would read ever more esoteric than the menu at The Hobbit (wonderful restaurant experience in Orange CA). Indeed, I would be most disgusted to come across a cookbook that provided me with a recipe for “horseflesh.” I would, however, be delighted with a Middle Earth Drinking Guide:

1. Orc-Liquor –

“Ugluk thrust a flask between his [Pippin’s] teeth and poured some burning liquid down his throat: he felt a hot fierce glow flow through him. The pain in his legs and ankles vanished. He could stand.”

Hmm, Red Bull and Vodka?

Drink up, Maggots

2. Old Winyard –

“Old Rory Brandybuck, in return for much hospitality, got a dozen bottles of Old Winyards: a strong red wine from the Southfarthing”

Definitely not this:

3. Elvish wine –

“‘You speak for me, Gimli,’ laughed Legolas. ‘Though I would sooner learn how they came by the wine.’”

Baby, you can have all my wine. But what are you going to give me in return?

4. Entwater –

“Strange songs have been sung of the draughts of Fangorn.”

“That’s high quality H2O.”

5. Beer –

“‘Ah!’ said Sam. ‘But he says your beer is always good.’”

One beer to rule them all.

Now then, what was my original question? What books will I read to my kids? Well, certainly not the Middle Earth Drinking Guide, but The Chronicles of Narnia? You can bet your sweet Aslan on it.