How to Brag, er, Write a Holiday Newsletter December 8, 2006

Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for the Holiday Newsletter. I write one. I’ve been writing one since Christmas 2003, to let everyone know how my children are doing, a nice yearly summation of crawls and falls, etc. Most people think of the holiday newsletter as an excuse to brag. Except mine of course. So, I’m going to impart to all of you newsletter writers some sage advice on not being the odious newsletter braggart.

About the Children

You write:
Janet is in her first year at Yale where she is acing all her pre-med classes, Laine was named the Junior Prom Queen this year, Michael won the 8th Grade Talent Show, and Hubert earned First Prize at the Regional Science Fair for his project on evolutionary biology. As a result, he has been invited to spend the summer working on the Chimpanzee Genome Project. Can you believe he’s only in fifth grade?

They read:
My kids are smarter than your kids. And more attractive. And more talented.
In your face, suckaaaaaaaah!

Better approach:
Janet is at Yale because she didn’t get into Harvard. Laine was named Junior Prom Queen after the original choice was knocked unconscious when she was mysteriously hit over the head with a Regional Science Fair trophy. Michael won the talent show by playing “Rawhide” with his armpit. Hubert’s intelligence scares all of us, and we live in fear of him, like that old Twilight Zone episode.

About Yourself and Spouse

You write:
I finished my year as PTA president and our numbers showed we raised more money than any previous year. Sweetheart just got promoted and doubled his pay. I was finally able to trade in that old 2004 beater of a Ferrari for something really hot. We’re going on our second honeymoon this January, a trip to Australia. Scuba diving, sunbathing, five star hotels, all the works. Can’t wait!

They read:
I’m rich, beyotch! In your face, suckaaaaaaaah!

Better approach:
I finished my year as the PTA president and now none of the teachers like me. I can’t remember my husband’s name anymore, and I’m hoping to figure it out before I tag along with him on the company trip to Australia. Oh, and I got rid of the Ferrari because I caught Laine having sex with her boyfriend in it and I can’t break the image. I now drive a station wagon. I daresay she won’t try anything in that.

About Your Home

You write:
We just finished our huge remodeling project. Those zeroes really do add up, don’t they? But on the bright side, our kitchen is gorgeous, the Florida room is spectacular, and the tumbled marble floor really gives the place a classy touch.

They read:
I’m living large. In your face, suckaaaaaaaah!

Better Approach:
We finally got the house cleaned after since Laine and her boyfriend threw that huge party while we were out of town. You know, the one that can now be seen on Volume 98 of Girls Gone Wild?The kitchen no longer smells of vomit and in place of a torn out wall, we now have a French doors leading to a new Florida room. We had to put the room in because it became clear the grass in the yard would not be growing back. The installers said our new flooring is called tumbled marble. I think they dropped it.

Closing Lines

You Write:
We hope to see you among our dearest 300 friends at our annual holiday party at the Ritz. If you can’t make it, we’ll be sending out pictures of what you missed. What a glorious year it’s been for us. Hope yours has been equally bountiful.

They read:
In your face, suckaaaaaaaah!

Better Approach:
We are doing the usual party this year. I think my husband might be at it. I hope to see him. Does anyone know if he still has hair or if it finally fell out? If you don’t come to the party, you can check out the YouTube video that will undoubtedly get posted after I confront my husband about the affair I suspect he is having with one of his associates. Is your life like mine? For your sake, I sure hope not.

Good luck!