Here I Am, Rock You Like a Hurricane June 30, 2007

Alpha DogMa tagged me for a meme.

Here are the rules:
-list 8 facts/habits about yourself
-post the rules at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed, or wherever you damn well please if you’re Alpha DogMa
-tag 8 people and post their names, go to their blogs and leave them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and ask them to read your blog.

Things About Me:

1. I do not know any line dances.

2. But I do know the tinikling.

3. If I were to ever meet David Hasselhoff, I think I would just laugh.

4. I’m going on an Alaskan cruise in less than two weeks to see one of my best friends get married.

5. I don’t like to eat coconut, onions, olives, ketchup, mayonnaise, or cheesecake. And certainly not mixed together.

6. I firmly believe I was a pirate in a former life. Why else would I look so good doing this:

7. If I had to choose between coffee and alcohol for the rest of my life, I’d choose alcohol. But it would be a very long hard decision.

8. I’m taking the kids camping tonight. Yea for thick, black coffee off the campfire!

Tagging 8 More Bloggers:

Toddled Dredge – It’s possible she is memed out, but if she chooses to participate, I am certain she will be eloquent.

Here in Idaho – Her answers may or may not include references to Paris, Libertarianism, and ridiculous record covers. Possibly all in the same fact.

Poppy Fields – I’m sure her facts will be like her Sunday Scribblings: sweet and fun.

Riley Central – My brother from another mother.

Things in Your Head – Do NOT question her taste in music. Or answer to me.

Jaden’s Journal – Very passionate and smart-about-eating young woman with beautiful jewelry that I keep claiming I will buy. Which I will. I have no doubt her 8 Facts will be actual useful facts.

Zany Mothering and Under Construction – The only husband and wife bloggers I know. We so would be friends in real life. And we would trade allergy-free recipes faster than you can say, “But I was going to go to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters!”

Bye Bye Birdie June 29, 2007

I found a dead bird in my yard yesterday. I’m not one for disturbing photos of the avian variety, so I’ll just describe this bird. It was sprawled out face down, wings outstretched, like it dove off a wall and sacrificed itself. The cause of death was indeterminable to my untrained eye. No blood, no bite marks, nothing appeared to be broken. Ooh, and its eyes were wide open. Extra creepy.

Suffice to say, the dead bird weirded me out.

And lest you think I’m a namby pamby, here was Husband’s reaction–

Me: There’s a dead bird in the yard.
Hubs: You want me to put it in the garbage?
Me: Technically, we’re supposed to call the county and report it so they can check for West Nile Virus. Maybe we should do that.
Hubs: Nah, I’ll just put it in the garbage. They don’t pick up all the birds anyway. Where is it?
I directed him to the bird and went inside to get dinner ready. He walks into the kitchen moments later.
Hubs: I think you should call the West Nile Virus line.
Me: Huh?
Hubs: That bird doesn’t look right. Did you see the position of it? It looks, well, it looks…
Me: Apocryphal?
Hubs: Yes! It’s freaking me out!

So I contacted the Vector Control District for the County today, and in the opening menu, the recording said, “To report a dead bird, which is in good condition, dial extension…”

How does one classify the good condition of a dead bird, I wondered.

Ask and ye shall receive.

Once I got to the actual Dead Bird Hotline, I reached another prerecorded message that detailed the three conditions the bird must meet in order to be picked up:

1. The bird must have died within the past 24 hours.
2. The bird must not have been hit by a car.
3. The bird is “not alive.”

You read that correctly. The Dead Bird Hotline specifies that the bird should be “not alive.”

I love governmentspeak.

And rather than reuse the excruciatingly appropriate Dead Parrot skit (It has ceased to be!!!!!), I hate to reuse skits, so instead I end with a little birdie song, in honor of the tweet tweet tweet that is no more:

A Conversation This Morning June 28, 2007

Me: Ahem, I understand there was an incident in the night wherein you mistook my bedroom floor for the outside?

: I don’t know what you’re talking about. (snicker)

Me: Husband informed me there was a pile of dog excrement on the floor this morning?

: I don’t see anything. (snicker snicker)

Me: Curiously, I don’t either. And you know, neither did Husband when he went to clean it up.

: How peculiar. He must have imagined it.

Me: Indeed. So why does you breath smell like shit?

: Ha Haaa, busted! What do I always tell you, fool – if you gonna conceal the evidence by eating it, YOU GOTS TO BRUSH YO TEETH!

: Dammit.

dogs

Nice Ass June 27, 2007

See other pix –
wordless wednesday
Wordless Wednesday

It Hurts To Be This Popular June 26, 2007

We have three birthday party invitations for this coming Saturday–

Party One: Birthday party for my friend’s daughter, who is a friend of The Boy’s.
Location: A paint-it-yourself pottery place.
Pros: Paint-it-yourself pottery is fun. Will hang out with friends.
Cons: Paint-it-yourself pottery is breakable. Will be alone with The Boy and Little No Limit because Husband is working – this could threaten my ability to socialize as I will be ensuring the safety of the pottery. Nothing for The Boy to eat, and he will be surrounded by other children eating the food he cannot.
Options: Could hire a babysitter for Little No Limit. Would cost money.

Party Two: Birthday party for my niece.
Location: Tea house.
Pros: Get to see and socialize with the family (mother in law and sisters in law), after missing out on both Father’s Day and Mother In Law’s birthday (we were out of town). No matter how crazy my kids behave, the family doesn’t mind. The food and tea at the tea house are good.
Cons: My niece is turning 14, and she will be partying at her own separate table with her other 13 & 14 year old girls, so it’s not like a party party. The tea house uses porcelain and other breakable-material dishes. They also have a sign that says no children, so it’s possible I cannot even bring them. Nothing for The Boy to eat and will likely get crusty looks from the tea house employees if I bring him his own food.
Options: Could hire a sitter for both the kids. Would cost money.

Party Three: Birthday party for The Boy’s classmate.
Location: Home of The Boy’s classmate.
Pros: Both children are invited to a childproofed home. Will get to do more than chit chat with other moms from The Boy’s preschool and The Boy will have the chance to play with his classmates in a school-free environment. One of the other boys I expect will be at the party has eating issues similar to The Boy’s, so he won’t be the only one not eating the cake and ice cream.
Cons: Am assuming that the other moms from the preschool class will be there. It’s possible they will not be and I will not know anyone. Am blessed with that rare social skill that can alienate people within minutes.
Options: Have excuse handy in case a quick getaway is necessary (eg: Her Name is Rio requires more tomato juice – she STILL stinks).

I’m going with party three. We’ll see how it goes.

*Part of the Carnival of Family Life.

He Puts His Pants On One Leg At A Time June 25, 2007

What in the same of hot coffee was this guy thinking?

Here’s a recap for those you not clicking on the link - a man sued his dry cleaner for $54 million dollars because they lost his pants. Seriously, do yourself a favor and read about how this guy broke down emotionally during his testimony, referred to himself as “we,” and claimed to have 63 witnesses. Over pants.

I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.

What’s scary to me is that this man’s education and career is within the field of law, and here he is blatantly abusing it, because he is either crazy or vengeful.

Don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.

Since he is no doubt upset over losing his case, I thought I’d throw him a bone with a suggestion for a new lawsuit –

I recently went through the drive-thru with friends in town, a place I raved about to them for being the best. We ordered our food, got home, and realized they forgot to put the quesadilla I ordered in the bag.

I am
a) humiliated, as I have already built them up to my friends – my good word has been tainted (read: mental damage)
b) ripped off, because according to the receipt I paid for the quesadilla (read: ripped off)
c) hungry, because they didn’t give me friggin quesadilla (read: physical pain)

DAMN THEM!!!!!!

I think I should sue them for, hmm, let’s just round it up to, um, 50 million. Yeah, that sounds good. I mean, I have to go to another drive-thru now, and they do have that sign that says satisfaction guaranteed. That makes sense. Right?

Thinking About Chuck Norris Gets Me Through Long Drives June 21, 2007

Husband and I used some of our driving time today to wisely discuss important worldly matters. In other words, we made up our own Chuck Norris Facts.

1. Chuck Norris should have won an Oscar for letting Bruce Lee kick his ass.

2. Every time Chuck Norris rings a bell, an angel gets round house kicked to the face.

3. Chuck Norris goes to the bathroom in special containers that are then removed from his house and buried in southern Nevada.

4. Chuck Norris bites his nails because nothing else can cut them.

5. Chuck Norris had to re-route his morning jog around the local speed trap.

6. If Chuck Norris pees in your pool, you will never have to chlorinate it again.

7. Chuck Norris misunderstood his invitation to appear on Dancing With the Stars, and showed up with his Chinese stars and killed everyone.

8. How do you know if Chuck Norris has been in your refrigerator?
There are circular footprints in the butter.

9. If you look in the bathroom mirror with the lights off and say Chuck Norris’ name three times, a vision of him with no shirt on will appear and roundhouse kick you.

10. Chuck Norris weighs the same on the moon.

11. In case of a water landing, Chuck Norris can be used as a flotation device.

12. Chuck Norris made a 3-D Walker Texas Ranger movie. It remains unrated, as MPAA members are still working up the courage to sit through to the end.

13. When the tooth fairy filed for chapter eleven, she cited her reason as Too Many Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicks.

More here:
Thursday Thirteen
here

Patio and Baaargh!! June 20, 2007

See other pix –
wordless wednesday
Wordless Wednesday

Scenes from Cayucos June 19, 2007

Another Tacky Tuesday and no postcards. I was in Cayucos yesterday and actually bought some, but I have to post them next week when I have access to my scanner again. In the meantime, here are some photographs:

Top of the morning to ya!

Want a piece of this? Five bucks.

Go ahead. Call your mama. I can wait.

Her Name is Reek-o June 19, 2007

For the second night in a row, Her Name is Rio has incurred the wrath of a skunk.

For the love of my olfactory senses, dog, LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!